"And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him"

Inspired by chapter 8

“Some people leave a marriage literally, by divorcing. Others do so by leading parallel lives together.”

― John M. Gottman

Before I was married I was very critical of my parent’s marriage for a variety of reasons. One of the biggest reasons was that they fought a whole lot and called each other names and phrases that would make a demon blush. But in the end none of that never really mattered to either of them which I could never understand before I was married because I always wondered why two people would stay together treating each other the way they do. The thing is though is none of that negative really mattered in the end because of the aspects of their relationship that outweighed it all. These included their deep love for one another founded on a combination of commitment, an extensive understanding of each other, and the ability to use hard times as a means to strengthen their bond. Above and beyond all of that is that they have always been and always will be friends. Those traits have become the example of what I want in my marriage and it was those traits that motivated my dad to sacrifice so much in order to take care of my mom until her death.

One of my greatest fears in life is being caught up in a marriage without love. We’ve all seen and have known couples who no longer love each other at all, let alone can stand being in the same room with one another. There is a ton of excuses as to why people do this ranging from a deranged comfort, having kids together, and even just the financial motivation that has them saying that it’s cheaper to stay together then get divorced. These emotionally dead marriages wasn’t always this way, in fact almost all of them started off with a deep bond and love for one another that was slowly chipped away by what Dr. John M. Gottman has called, “The Four Horsemen” of marriage.

These “Four Hosemen” come from a book Dr. Gottman wrote titled, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert” and I am starting to find out this book is a great resource for couples. In his book Dr. Gottman goes over the central themes for each “Horsemen” which the graphic below will show.

The scary aspect is that these Four Horsemen is that these factors can allow someone to predict with more than a 90% accuracy of who will divorce in a marriage. Even scarier is that 10% of relationships will die by the “Horsemen” without ever actually ending but there is hope and light at the end of this tunnel because the “Horsemen” have an enemy in the form of “The Four Antidotes”. 

While the “Four Horsemen” tried and failed miserably to kill off my parent’s marriage, because if this I dare say that I have taken my marriage for granted thinking that no matter how bad we treat each other, we will always be together. This of course comes from comparing my marriage with my parents instead of working on exorcising those “Horsemen” from our relationship.

Using a combination of reflection and charting the past few days I have come to see that all Four Horsemen have resided in our home for quite some time. I have seen criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling from the both of us though we are both guilty of having a particular “Horsemen” as our favorite companion. Mine would be Stonewalling and I hate to admit that I am particularly good at this one as I will do it even when I am not aware of it and emotionally disconnect from it all. The biggest problem with this is that the more I disconnect the harder it is for me to reengage with my emotions afterward. How much damage am I doing to our family because of this?

The damage we do to our relationship and our marriage has very big implications for not only us but for our girls as well. This is because they see how we act and this sets an example of what they will believe is normal for a couples. The second factor for us is that with us being LDS, we believe our marriage won’t end at death but is eternal under the stipulation on our faithfulness to our marriage and our Savior. This means the stakes are even higher so failure brings a bigger cost and success a greater reward and while the “Four Horsemen” are in themselves dangerous, they have a root cause even more dangerous. 

In the Book of Mormon there is a verse in the book of Mosiah that says: For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father. The natural man in this verse represents the worst parts of us and more often than not the worst part of ourselves is selfishness. If we are to succeed in our marriage we must not only work on our actions but we must also work on becoming better people who naturally look out for each other before ourselves and it is in that mindset that our marriage will have the power to last forever as it is meant to be. 

I love my wife more than even I probably know and want to be the best I can be and know she does as well and despite our issues, I believe in our marriage and our ability to make it as long as we keep trying to better ourselves and kick out the “Four Horsemen” in the process.

There is another quote from Dr. Gottman’s book that I believe hits the nail on the head for not only my marriage, but for all of ours because none of us have the perfect marriage and we all have issues to work on and “Horsemen” to kick out. Here is that quote:

“The point is that neuroses don’t have to ruin a marriage. If you can accommodate each other’s “crazy” side and handle it with caring, affection, and respect, your marriage can thrive.”

If you want to know more about Dr. Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” or his book here are a couple of links to YouTube videos that cover it really well:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1o30Ps-_8is

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knBJGNisJS0

Here is another chart I thought was well put together about the “Horsemen”